December 12, 2023, Esalen

I lived 27 years of my life flowing through life. Actually 18 years of life, after which I discovered my own abilities both to offer and to receive. This spooked me and I did not know what to do with it. Flash-forward to 26-27 years, when all had broken, and by that I mean, the model no longer fit the data I was noting post a significant breakup. I, however, was optimistic, and was it mostly out of no desire or option, I was just living day to day which surprisingly translated to being present. It is then that I first felt desire. 

A moment of clarity & insight drove me to NYC in a very impulsive move. This leaning into my instinct and trusting it led to the most beautiful gift I have ever received. Filled with gratitude, I experienced pure energy—love—which ricocheted me into a new higher plane of presence. It did not occur to me that I could co-create, cultivate this state for eternity. I did not exercise my personal will and took the lead of what I called God. A decade later, I am experiencing something similar. I am feeling present.

After a chaotic few months where I operated at the speed of light, I hit escape velocity. I escaped my existence in NYC, glided through Esalen, Burning Man and rummaged through garbage at work to learn the most important lessons or data points for me to upgrade. Or in other words for the model to fit. Which is leading and has led to major insights that I am in the midst of integrating. But I am different now. I have grown. I have will that I am exercising now. Purpose and desire. Working through that, trusting my instincts, co-creating my reality.

Not just that, I also want to maintain this state, be present in this edge of where I end and the universe begins. I have been thinking of how to do that. What could I do differently this time to operate at this level of clarity and operate in the world? I suspect its practices. What are my behaviors and actions in this state and can I continue them in everyday life? JJ Jeffries from Esalen said it aptly: Practices are habits with awareness. I am going to try this in addition to being intentional about the objective function and milestones of development of the new enhanced ML model that is ME.