Another experiment just dropped. I seem to have a connection with J. I first noticed him in the local coffee shop near my apartment. One of those people who you cannot not notice. Not because they are loud or bizarre but because they are so present and fully alive. That was him. I noticed him and I had this feeling like I knew him. Familiarity. I had felt this couple of times earlier this year – with a guy at Esalen and a women in Esalen too. I had stopped to ask them if we knew each other or had met before. Both said no. And so I didn’t want to take a chance with J. I looked away.

Few months later I was looking for a AT teacher near where I lived. There was one 2 blocks away with double-digit reviews. It was him. J was an AT teacher who taught from his home and liked an Espresso at our local coffee shop. I want to elaborate on what happened in the 2 sessions I took with him but I don’t have patience to screenplay it out, so this is for any writer keen on doing a better job here → <insert how I felt the most intense energy shift in our two sessions. I got to know a bit and he me. I felt vulnerable lying on his AT table. It felt like he could see me naked in broad daylight – except I had all my clothes on. But I realized that he could feel/sense energy too. Awkward. Can he read my thoughts? Ugh, I should shut up. The days after our session felt like a psychedelic experience for me – for 3 days straight. I have now come to realize that thats what attraction actually feels like in the body. I now remember that while laying on the table. I remembered a poem that came to me at the Georgia O’Keefe museum in Santa Fe. 

Like Filigree. He was my perfect mirror. And I just had a crash course of expelling inauthentic energy from my body because he saw me. Wow. By negating what was inauthentic in me, he transumuted ir and that just increased my contrast.>

Powerful stuff. Which is why I never went back to him. Our dynamic was no longer like that of a teacher and student. It was more than that. What exactly, I don’t know. 

Now here’s the actual reason why I started writing this. I see a possibility and I committed to it. The possibility I see is that J and I will date, have sex and become lovers. He would cause me to become my most poised self. I don’t know yet what I’d do for him – probably erase cynicism from him. With my visa situation, he would ask to marry me. I would then email M and lay it out as is. That I’d rather marry him because I felt love with him.  And that it would be a leap of faith for both and him but that I trusted that we’d figure it out. I’m risking my life for love. If M says no, I marry J. What does M say? This is where I can’t see further. Likely because I’m not supposed to know the outcome. Best case, its beautiful. Worset case, mind has won over heart because that’s what is needed for me to because whole and balanced.